I'm always looking for a song to start my day with and a song to end my day with. I really can't put my finger on it, but when I find the right music I get some kind of a mental comfort. Like they say "I can't really explain it, but I'll find a song that can" .
I've started my day with Common People and now I'm listening over and over again how someone is begging me to "useeeee him/her" and it's asking me if I am the Brutal Heart that breaks the night in two?
I feel a bit down today and usually when that happens I need to connect my emotions with song lyrics. Oh well, who doesn't, right? After all, it's a method of self therapy and, as long as it works, we should all do it.
But, my intention is not to talk about my music. I actually want to spot the reason of my mood. So, by connecting with the lyrics I get to analyse the song's meaning first and after that I might get an idea of what's bothering me on a subconscious level. Funny right? Even though I know myself pretty damn well, I have to apply all kinds of self-researching methods to interrogate my mind. And I do this because if I don't, it will only grow and get deeper. And we don't want a broken Cristina, do we? Nope, we don't.
Ha! See? While typing I got closer and closer, having no foking idea what I am going to write next about myself. And it turned out I ended the sentence with the "broken Cristina" conclusion. I love this game. To start talking about something and then just let things go with the flow until a revelation comes out. Now, it would be very easy to admit that I am broken and I have inexplicable mood swings. Nope, I wont allow myself to believe this. I am in a some kind of a healing process, or, as I call it "the reinvention of me". And this process, in order to take place and have results, it needs me to be aware of everything.
I might sound like a true passionate egocentric person with a narcissistic flavor, but, honestly, I don't care what YOU think :) It's my process, it's my work, my thoughts and conclusions, so...it' about me, not about you reading and loving it :)
I know that being able to know myself and anticipate all my reactions to different situations its almost an impossible task, but hear my logic: You can never completely get to know someone right? You can never completely trust someone right? You can never-ever get to own someone (unless it's your child, but that's a whole different situation). And, last but not least, you can never know for how long you will have that other someone in your life.
So, all the above being said, are you still judgemental about me wanting to explore and understand each of my thoughts, moods, smiles, dreams, desires? I will always have ME around, I CANT lie to myself, I can ONLY trust myself 100% and I can only own myself.
And, if you think that you already know yourself without the necessity of truly digging and researching, and studying yourself like a scientist...oh well...think again, you might have a surprise :)
One of my first conclusions, when I first decided to start this self-researching process, was that we are mirrors. We are our own reflection in the reactions of others when we interact. It's quite simple. If I yell at you, you yell back. If I kiss you, you might kiss back. If I have an open attitude, you will follow. That's not a mandatory rule to follow, but chances are higher that our interlocutor will copy our behavior rather than it will have a complete opposite attitude.
Again with the quotes (but I cant help myself): "If you want a change in the world you should first change yourself."
And HOW can you change if you don't know what needs to be changed?
And to think that all of this started from a song that expressed my mood, this morning :)